15 of April, 2017. And the day of the ordination came... Everything just worked out so beautifully and now I was nearly there...
As the time approached I felt all sort of doubts, mixing emotions, and the urge to run, run, run away... as far as I could... Was this the right thing to do? Why I am putting myself into this box where all my freedom is going to be so much limited? Why? Didn't I always say that real changes take place inside, not in the outside? Didn't I preach again and again that clothes, even robes, are only form? that colour is only form? That the intention was the only supportive witness of my actions, that the inner motivation was the only trustworthy compass to reach the destination?
But what was my motivation? What if the ego is playing all these tricks and I am just looking after some sort of new role, new identity, or just out of the need of belonging, belonging into a place I deeply inside consider holy?
I was struggling with all these thoughts and as the time approached they became more intense and cruel, as if many selves were fighting for their opportunity to put forward their complains, ideas and fears... Suddenly the pain in the right kidney started intensifying...
Dear friends arrived, full of excitement and devotion, which only made my feeling more relentlessly awkward... Am I betraying them?
In the mids of all this chaos, something inside was very softly whispering: "Go ahead, trust!"... and with all this physical pain and confusion I trusted the almost inaudible voice within... I went ahead.
My dear nuns friends arrived and the residents from Santi Monastery as well as other dear friends, just a few, and they all started preparing the flowers for the offering, arranging the cushions, making tea... It was a monumental display of love and devotion, and yet, I still have all these tension and doubts around my head...
At 4:30pm the ceremony started. Cornered as I felt I connected to this subtle inner voice: "trust!"...
As the procedure moved on I started to relax a bit and felt more focused and grounded... This was real! This was happening! And it was not just my work, but the work of many people that came together moved by compassion and empathy to provide this opportunity to someone that was most probably dying... (or was the ego the one dying?)
When my preceptor declared the ordination completed, my whole body started shaking... Tears were piling up pushing for a way out...
All the fears had disappeared... My heart was full of gratefulness and love. I wanted to hug every one with my heart, I wanted to embrace my heart with their hearts... I felt reborn.
Today morning when I wake up, that feeling of love was magnificent! It extended every were and to every single creature on the universe... I felt I was love myself dancing with every fibre of the cosmos... I felt compassionate even with the thoughts that were eating me alive before the ordination... I realised the enormous power of all these mental fabrications; fabrications that the ego make in order to protect itself from the scary idea of "cessation"... and I say "idea" because even cessation is an idea, a concept, a perception, a mental fabrication, and as we cling to these mental formations they become real, solid and permanent, as if they were cut off from the fabric of reality and imprisoned in a tiny, isolated and disconnected little box. No wonder the enormous fear!!! No wonder the feeling of being cornered! I was in that box! I was totally identified with the part of reality incarcerated in that box, fixing that experience with the glue of consciousness... I was the box, the content and the creator of all that... I was also the observer...
With the fears all gone, all that was left was this feeling of expansive love and gratefulness... No box... no content... no observer... just the beingness of that suchness, as the Buddha described... only if for a moment... enough powerful to let me see the difference.
I really and deeply understand now the pivotal importance of rituals of passage. I was brutally attacked by the kilesas; I was tormented by the panicking hindrances fighting for survival, but the love of the group, the flowers, the presence of the Buddha, the Sangha, the new robes, the chanting, and the trust they all have showed me where the sharp blade that entered deep into my flesh to imprint the Path I have chosen into my mind.
May this new step I have taken in my life be of benefit to myself and others. May there be peace, love and wisdom! Sadhu! Sadhu! Sadhu!
